Circling Back

 Welcome Back!

4 months ago I started talking about fear.  Why?  Because we ALL experience it.  The question becomes whether or not we're willing to admit it . . . not just to others, but, most importantly, to ourselves.

In many ways, this is my journal.  And most people do not share their journal entries publicly.  Maybe that's part of why so many of us suffer alone.  

I think most of us want to appear as though we have it all together.  Why?  Because we do not want to appear weak.  I know because that's me 100%.  Boys are taught from a very young age to "suck it up" and "put your big boy pants on".  And for decades, women have become conditioned to "put your big girl pants on" too.  "Be strong"  "Your better than that" . . . and countless other things that we're told by loved ones.  And they all mean well!!!  But that leads to us burying our feelings and playing ostrich.  We suffer in silence so we won't have to be embarrassed.  And that leads to a myriad of mental and emotional health issues.

One of my goals here is to open up conversation.  After years of suppressing anger, anxiety, depression, and fear, I have come to realize just how unhealthy it is to keep it all bottled up.

So let me get back to fear . . . 

Yesterday morning, I was disappointed when I saw which pastor would be presiding over church service.  Of the three pastors at our church, this one is just not my favorite.  I don't feel engaged with him.  Ya know how sometimes someone can be a great person and you can see their good qualities, but you just don't click?  Well that's me with this pastor.  BUT . . . his message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear!

I won't get into the whole sermon but I will tell you that one of his main points was about forgiveness.  In that part of the message, he was talking about letting go of anger and fear in exchange for forgiveness.   And something about his delivery made me realize that I have been lying to myself for well over a year.  I have been telling myself that I have forgiven my ex-husband for his infidelity but it hit me HARD that I hadn't.  I was suppressing my anger and trying to convince myself that I had forgiven him.  I buried the anger and just have not been able to truly release it.

How does this relate to fear?  What I realized was that I was afraid of letting down my friends, family, and current boyfriend.  Everyone told me how I handled my divorce and all the hurt with grace.  And even I didn't realize that I was suppressing the anger to uphold that image.  I was holding it all in and pushing back the fear of truly moving on because the thought of disappointing everyone around me was just too much.  And worse than that, I was terrified of being hurt again.  I refused to let myself be vulnerable out of fear.

It was self-sabotage at its finest.  And what really got to me was that I was putting in jeopardy a chance at being truly happy.  

So now, I am putting in the time and doing the work to truly forgive my ex-husband; not for him, but for me.  I am facing my fears and putting this out here in case you, or anyone you know, may be in a similar situation.  Please know that you are not alone!  It's ok to be afraid!  It is NOT ok to continue to live in that fear.  If you need help facing it, find someone you trust and talk it through.  Pray.  Meditate, Write a letter to the person you need to forgive (even if you don't deliver it).  Face your fear and watch how you grow and glow!

If this was helpful, please let me know.  I would love to connect and support you.  If you know someone who may need to hear this, please share it!  Life is much too short to continue living in fear.